i wore my mothers worn nightgown to bed tonight. it felt just like home. i feel so sad. i am not anyones anything. i crawl to cabinets to find something i can drink that will make my insides burn. i will stay up all night thinking about the ways that i will be an optimist in the morning. you wont come tonight and propose a castle or restraunt with my name on the door.

nothing was ever finished, my dresses were flowing up the staircase that curved around your insides. the skirts were dripping the blood that hasnt stopped for twenty days and vomit and finger nails i've chewed off. i could only rock back and forth and watch miss america with my chubby legs shoved through the ends of my parents wrought iron bed. i've always felt stupid. people could be so cruel but i never let on that it bothered me. the kids on the bus said i was ugly and fat and i, i just cried when i got home. tears that would ruin the pages of my golden books. my mother would think i was retarded because i couldnt learn how to do math in the first grade. i would always appologize when it wasnt my fault and no one would ever be in love with me. now i've lost it. i'm average as fuck and my nostrils are filled with self doubt and tom waits makes me feel okay. i need a father, mother, sister and brother. i need to watch the disney channel and play with barbies that still have faces.