i have been thinking of you today for no apparent reason and needing to tell you that i was in love with you for two years. i was a sad girl with nothing to cling to and the love i was trying to give you was everything i had and i never questioned it. i altered you into unreal things i wanted

you meant very much to me in your polka dotted dress shirt, throwing stuff out of my locker so i'd miss my bus. i called your house almost everyday and hoped that i was worthwhile. i am starting to forget all this now, its lost its meaning and feeling.

i have grown up, not officially but i believe what youd said all along. i wasnt mature enough to understand it then. i'm starting to leave behind the less than important stuff, i'm ready to leave this town and everything in it. i will have memories of me as a short, chubby little girl, sporting anime tee's and terrible haircuts.

why i say you werent real is because i made you into big answers that you didnt want to be. you were the dad that i wanted, the best friend i needed and the boy i thought i wanted.

i'm still making the same jokes and faces but i'm not afraid anymore but not tough either. i've grown up well and i think youd be proud, i'd want you to be proud.

i dont remember what you look like, smell like, anything really. partly because i was too self-involved, partly because its been a long time. i know i wont see you ever again, i dont think i could. youre my high fidelity charlie really. the myth, the fucking legend for obscure reasons, not worth mentioning.

i was really stupid and insecure when i was fourteen, even more so at sixteen but i am wising up. i'm not bitter and jealous anymore, just ready to be away from everything.

i would talk to you, i would tell you how much the past means, how i have turned out the way you said i would. i hope you check this page once and while, that life hasnt turned you into a 9-5 worker with ridiculous stress. i know what you meant now, if you really meant it, about not being directly part of my life, paths crossing and whatnot.

i breathe nicely at night and no one is abusing me. i have blues clues sheets and a trillion books to read. from time to time, i wonder what it would have been like if you hadnt been sent to that school in vermont or moved away. i wrote a story about it in fact a long time ago. oh, and, your girlfriend really is an amazing writer. i'm sure she will be famous.

i know i said i'd visit you but i thought about it and i really cant. i'd love to know how you are but i think seeing you would be a bit much for those mistakes i've made, closed doors and lots of other cliches. it'd be hard knowing how foolish i was.

i am appreciative of having known you. i am glad you were friends with me for a brilliant flash in my life, i walked barefoot, phone in hand, staring at the stars and listening to you breathe. thats the way i remember you and i hope i always will. if you ever need anything, i'd try to help.